Thursday, January 4, 2007
Gotta admit, when I first saw this picture, the only thing that went through my mind was, "Ugh, I look horrible." But, in the recent months, since my mom has passed away, I started to look at it a little differently. Sure, I sometimes still look at it and think how horrible I look, but, now I look deeper.
I look at my mother, and her wonderful smile.
I look at what similarities there are between us in facial expression.
I look at the love that is there in this picture.
I look at all the things that my mom and I shared together.
I see that she loved me so much, so very much.
I see that she thought I was wonderful, no matter if I thought I wasn't.
I see that she thought I was beautiful, even though she'd gently nudge me to lose some weight, and take care of my health.
I wish, that when I first got this picture back, I looked at it with different eyes. But, at that time, I never expected that my mother would die. I just didn't. I knew that she had cancer, and I knew that she was going to have treatment, and I guess I just expected that she would be fine. That she would keep on living, forever, the way a child always wants it to be.
The thing is, as an adult child, you know that someday, your mother is going to die. That is just how life is. It's not so much that we don't expect it, it's just that we don't expect it so damn soon, too soon, before we are ready for it.
If I could go back, there are so many things I'd have said, or done. So many things I wouldn't have said, or wouldn't have done. But, I know she knows all of this. I know she knew all these things in those last months of her life.
The other day, Steve and I were on the way home from Costco, and I had a bunch of pictures that were developed. Going through the envelopes in the car, I saw pictures I'd ordered of her with the kids, and even alone, and I broke down. I still do that from time to time. Break down, when I think of her, or look at her picture. Sometimes, it comes out of nowhere....
It's coming up on the anniversary of her death soon. I can't believe how the time has gone by. I never thought it would pass so quickly. But, it has. All I can do, is hope that she is at peace, and wonder if she is the one that guides me through my darkest times now.
I love you, mom. I miss you.